Mothership Confessional

I can't sleep, guys. Valentine's Day is coming up soon. And tonight, the tears started, and they just wouldn't stop. 2008 was truly an unbearable year. A lot of you know my story and the connection here, but many of you don't. I don't think that I've shared about the whole year, all together. I've been told by a few very supportive friends that my story could basically be a Nicholas Sparks movie; I think the ending is still being written. So, I'll do my best to get it all in writing, in one place. To start off, you'll need a little background information. It's mid-2007, and I am about to head off for my senior year of college, and my boyfriend (now husband) was about to embark on his first tour of duty overseas as a Military Police Reservist. My mom was 1 year into her cancer diagnosis, and was experiencing back pain, which she attributed to working in the yard so much that summer. After the New Year, Chris was about halfway t...

The color yellow. Citrus. Honeysuckle. Picking out rocks from the front yard. Planting a vegetable garden. Playing volleyball, croquet, and tetherball in the backyard. Sun tea on a hot day. Riding in the back of the car with the windows down on the way to a tree nursery. Saturday nights of popcorn, oranges, apple slices, and cheese. Playing outside from sun up to sun down all summer long. Family walks on the Mill Creek trails. Watching Star Trek on a Saturday night. Reading books. Listening to 90's country and Oldies in the car. And later, Blues and Classical. Being told not to sing at the table. Shopping at the old downtown Olathe Walmart and Food 4 Less and Schnuck's. Minsky's Pizza. Backyard Burgers. Fried chicken, burgers, or tuna salad sandwiches on Sundays after church. Track meets. Orchestra. Saturday Night Live. More Cowbell. Sometimes I just need to remember my childhood. Sometimes I just need to remem...

I've wanted to say something about Mother's Day today. But I just can't put the words together very well. First and foremost, I am filled with joy  and thankfulness  that I am getting to celebrate Mother's Day for the first time. Ava baby is such a blessing to us and I am so happy we have her in our lives. We waited and tried for her for a long time. It got harder and harder as each Mother's Day passed and I was still not pregnant. I have thought a lot today about the journey we went on to get our hearts' deepest wish. That brings me to my second point: today I am also filled with sadness  and grief for those friends who are still hoping for their turn to celebrate Mother's Day as well. In fact, that's what has mostly been on my mind today. I know the pain of infertility and I don't take this day for granted at all. There are so, so many women who want nothing more than to earn those stretch marks and to become a mother themselves. I am...

I started this blog after an important shift in my life. Many of my friends know of this shift, but I realized today that I have not ever written about it. A dear, dear friend of mine is walking the path that I was on many years ago. I pray everyday that hers does not end where mine did. I wrote her a letter today, and then I decided to share a little of my story with you. My mom had cancer. Had. My mom is free from cancer because now she walks with Jesus. My mom's battle with cancer was so random and unexpected. She was diagnosed in the summer of 2005. She had a canker sore that wouldn't go away. She feared she would lose her tongue, but she didn't. They found cancer in her neck so she had multiple lymph nodes removed and some surrounding tissue. She did radiation treatments and lost some hair at the top of her neck. After that, things were fine for awhile. Her doctor said this type of cancer was slow growing and would only appear in her neck and head areas. A ...

This Valentine's Day is the 5 year anniversary of my mom's death. With each year that passes, there is another level tier stage of grief. The thing about grief is that it is pretty impossible to define. The latest stage seems to be helping others in their grief, mostly through facebook. It's under unfortunate circumstances that I have been able to work through my grief in this way. There have been several friends of mine who have experienced the death of a parent during this past year, and it has provided me with another pathway for my own healing process to offer my condolences and (attempts at) advice for these hurting hearts. I've been kind of teary so far today, and I don't remember it being as hard last year. I should know better than to compare one year against the other; grief does not follow rules of sense or logic. Grief often does not make sense. I don't think it's supposed to. My mom was one who was always behind the camera lens, and preferr...