Mothership Confessional

My first postpartum experience was awful . But I didn't know it at the time. I couldn't see how extremely difficult things were in the midst of it all, but looking back after a second postpartum experience, I really wish I would have reached out for help. I had: -lots of pain, took Percocet for a week+ and then Ibuprofen for almost a month -nightly periods of sadness, like clockwork from 7-9 pm, every night  for about 2 weeks -lots of blood clots, one HUGE one that scared the crap out of me (I literally thought, this is it, I can't have children anymore; we went to the ER, I was fine) -breastfeeding pains, and a cracked nipple that made me dread  every single feeding for about 4 weeks (its seriously no fun to dread feedings, you're supposed to enjoy those!) -sadness and anxiety (I assumed this was how it was to be a first-time mom. Everytime she cried I immediately got anxious and nervous, even if her crying was easily and predictably fixed by a feeding...

I am surviving the first few days at home by myself with my babies! A part of me was apprehensive about this new change, but I think that's because I was imagining the worst: both kids crying at the same time and me running around like a chicken with it's head cut off. But it's not been that way at all! The first day I was a bit overwhelmed and so  happy when Chris came home. I think all the activity just plain wore me out! I use a step stool to help Ava get in and out of her crib. I change her and dress her on the floor and I just suck it up and lift her into her chair at our bar-height table. Probably the most frustrating part is when Ava wants to run away from me and I have to chase her down - she is definitely faster than me right now! I am healing so well; I stopped taking all pain pills by about 1 week after surgery. Pretty impressive! It feels so good to be able to sleep on my side...although full breasts kind of get in the way, haha! About 35 pounds have just fall...

I find myself in shock  at how different this postpartum experience has been so far compared to last time. This time around, I have been  happy  and felt immediate love for my newborn and extreme contentedness  with our new family of four. It made me reflect on life after Ava's birth, and I now feel a little bad for myself that I thought that experience was normal  typical. Looking back, I think I may have had the baby blues because I definitely did not feel as happy as I thought I would be! I was a first-time parent. My baby was delivered via emergency c-section, so physically and emotionally I had been through a lot. Everything was new, and everything was scary. We were learning to parent one hour at a time. 7 days after surgery, I just can't believe how good I feel! I mean, of course I don't really feel good , but I'm getting around really well and a time or two I have not kept up with my pain meds and I hardly noticed. I might consider reducing my dose o...