Mothership Confessional

My first postpartum experience was awful . But I didn't know it at the time. I couldn't see how extremely difficult things were in the midst of it all, but looking back after a second postpartum experience, I really wish I would have reached out for help. I had: -lots of pain, took Percocet for a week+ and then Ibuprofen for almost a month -nightly periods of sadness, like clockwork from 7-9 pm, every night  for about 2 weeks -lots of blood clots, one HUGE one that scared the crap out of me (I literally thought, this is it, I can't have children anymore; we went to the ER, I was fine) -breastfeeding pains, and a cracked nipple that made me dread  every single feeding for about 4 weeks (its seriously no fun to dread feedings, you're supposed to enjoy those!) -sadness and anxiety (I assumed this was how it was to be a first-time mom. Everytime she cried I immediately got anxious and nervous, even if her crying was easily and predictably fixed by a feeding...

I am surviving the first few days at home by myself with my babies! A part of me was apprehensive about this new change, but I think that's because I was imagining the worst: both kids crying at the same time and me running around like a chicken with it's head cut off. But it's not been that way at all! The first day I was a bit overwhelmed and so  happy when Chris came home. I think all the activity just plain wore me out! I use a step stool to help Ava get in and out of her crib. I change her and dress her on the floor and I just suck it up and lift her into her chair at our bar-height table. Probably the most frustrating part is when Ava wants to run away from me and I have to chase her down - she is definitely faster than me right now! I am healing so well; I stopped taking all pain pills by about 1 week after surgery. Pretty impressive! It feels so good to be able to sleep on my side...although full breasts kind of get in the way, haha! About 35 pounds have just fall...

Oh, my baby girl!!! She has officially left the newborn phase, and is now an infant! She has been changing so  fast lately...I also noticed a lot of changes in her around 8 weeks. It must be those growth spurts! So we didn't end up weaning her of her swaddle. I tried weaning at naps for 2 days with just one arm out, and I couldn't even get her to sleep while holding her. Her arm would just whack her in the face and wake her up once she was asleep. So I decided that it wasn't quite time. She has been busting out of her swaddle a lot lately, so I'm hoping she gets used to that feeling and will make the weaning process a bit easier the next time I try. She has gotten really good at putting herself back to sleep during the night, though. I'll watch her on the monitor and she will have her eyes open and then whip her head back and forth and wiggle for a few minutes and then she's asleep again. I've been trying to lay her down for naps and bedtime...

So I went for my first run   jog  bouncy speed-walk with Ava in the jogging stroller. It was a rude awakening. I felt like I had a black hole was where my lower abdominals should have been. My butt jiggled...out of control. My legs burned. Probably because of poor form since I could hardly pick my feet up. It got me thinking...when was the last time I went for a jog?? Probably about this time last year . Well that certainly doesn't help. Although I wouldn't exactly call my "run" a success, I know its a step in the right direction. I feel like 10 weeks after your belly is cut open and then you drop 40 pounds, being able to get out and jog at all  is a pretty big deal. As "not fun" as these walk/runs are, I know it will always make me feel better and help me stay active and restore function to my muscles. Plus, Ava is usually content and drifts off to sleep, allowing me to have a much needed mental break. Fresh air and e...

Ava celebrated 10 weeks of life today! And what a BIG day it was! Ok, it was big day in our house...maybe not in the eyes of others! We went to the Farmer's Market this morning. And it was kinda cold! We finally got our first cooler temperatures - time for jeans (crap, I only fit into 2 pairs; boo)!! Chris got to use the Ergo carrier for the first time to carry Ava during our walk around all the vendors. She had just fallen asleep in the car, so the transfer was seamless! She slept while wearing her adorable sheep hat nestled in with a blanket. Of course, in true Ava fashion, as soon as she woke up, she was mad and wanted out! It was fun to walk around with our coffee on a cool morning and stock up on Amish bread and strawberry jam. We got lots of comments on our sweet sleeping baby! It's funny how you notice people talking about the "tiny baby" as they walk by - people can't resist! I realized that Ava needed some more cool weather clothing in he...

So I'm 2 months into this mommy gig. And I love it! :) Of course every day comes with challenges. But the smiles, coos, and faces I get from miss baby make all the struggles worth it! Here's what Ava is up to at 2 months old: -sleeps for 4-5 hour stretches between feedings at night; she will randomly sleep an 8 hour stretch (as in, has only done that 2 or 3 times in her life) -her naps are 45 minutes to an hour long (or longer if she's being held or she fell asleep in the car seat during a long car ride) -she sleeps in her crib every night in a tight swaddle -she always  wakes with a big ole smile when she sees you! -she self-soothes/shows she's tired by turning her head side to side, giving her awesome bed head! -she giggles in her sleep...I'm dying for her to do this when she's awake!! -she prefers to be held upright when she's awake and bears weight on her legs! She loves to stand (assisted, of course) and talk face...

I feel like a different person now. I feel like an actual human!! I think the real turning point was right at the start of the fourth week, right as I was posting my last post.  Ava doesn't wake up as often at night. She will go 4-6 hour stretches between feedings.Of course that doesn't mean that's the number of hours I'm sleeping because time between feedings starts from when the feeding starts, not when she's done, so part of that time I'm changing her, nursing her, and then rocking her back to sleep. But at least I get to sleep in bed! That has made ALL the difference. Before she got good at sleeping in her rock and play next to the bed, I had to sleep while holding her in the recliner. All I wanted to do was lay down flat. For awhile I had to put a pillow under my feet in bed because it pulled too much on my incision. Then that got better and I was gradually able to sleep on my side with the help of my pregnancy pillow for support.  TMI alert...

This is gonna be a great post - I can feel it already. All done during middle of the night feedings while barely conscious, typing with one hand via my app on my phone.  I hope you will accept my misspellings, grammatical errors, and lack of formatting in this post.  Because honestly, I'm so sleep deprived that I don't really care about much these days! I thought I googled a lot of things before becoming a new mommy. Now I think I look up at least one or two things each day, anything from "low-grade fevers during c section recoveries" to "how to survive the newborn stage". What's funny about that last one is that I've asked my mommy friends when this uber stressful stage gets better, and none of them can remember!! They literally don't recall how hard the first several weeks are. It's like it vanished from their brain.  On one hand, it makes sense because half the time I'm so tired I really don't remember things fr...