Mothership Confessional

You know what is kind of cool? Every time I work out, in the middle of all the sweat and struggle and discomfort and thoughts of "this is hard; I want to quit", I also have these really amazing thoughts of perseverance during hard times. It's almost like the clouds of negativity dissipate in my mind, allowing positive thoughts to filter in. I kind of bask in the high of my endorphins, and let the inspirational thoughts float around in my head! Back when I went to the gym, I would get these thoughts too. I always remember thinking that I wished I had a way to blog while running on the treadmill because I would get these inspirational thoughts and I wanted to write them down! I would finish my workout and basically run to the nearest table and chair just so I could whip out my phone and jot down my thoughts! And now, I'm sitting on the edge of my chair, all sweaty, post-workout, to get this all written down! My thoughts never seem to come out as fluidly if I wa...

I've been thinking of this particular post for many months now - dreaming of it, actually - but now that I'm here, I'm not really sure I can articulate my feelings concisely. It's been a YEAR, y'all!!! 362 days to be exact - three hundred and sixty two days that I have spent without my husband home (by the time he gets home). Ok so there were 3 weeks there in the middle when he came home for my grandmother's funeral - but I can assure you, those 3 weeks had their own struggles! How can I describe what these 362 days have been like?! I'm not sure if I can! But I'm going to try. I ran track for 6 years. I considered doing it in college as well, but decided I couldn't commit to being an athlete and a student. Plus I wasn't *quite* good enough to run at KU, which is where I really wanted to go (although I did make it to the 6A State track meet!). My events were the open 100, 200, and 400, as well as the 4x1, 4x2, and the 4x4. My favorite eve...

Well, he went and did it - little Liam, little 8 pound, 5 ounce Liam , turned one year old!! We had a little party for him this weekend to celebrate. And I made one of those chalkboard posters for him, and it really made me stop and think about these last 365+ days with him. Liam was born 5 days early. My due date was February 27. He could have been a leap year baby!! How crazy would that have been?! He was heavy and I carried him low. I had lots  of pelvic pain with him. I remember during the last few weeks that I disliked squatting to get things out of the bottom of the fridge because it felt like he was going to fall out!! My sweet little boy entered this world via c-section, and it was pretty amazing. I was unconscious for Ava's delivery, so this was my second child, but really the first birth I actually got to experience. And it was love at first sight, for sure! My sweet little surprise. Liam is quite the little man! I can't get over just how m...

My feelings on this topic were taking over Liam's 9 month post for tomorrow, and I wasn't liking the direction the post was going. So I decided to give those thoughts their own space. I had hopes of being uber organized and busy and distracted to keep my mind off of Chris being gone. And those are still aspirations of mine, but it is SO MUCH HARDER than I thought it would be. I'm realizing the biggest struggle is NOT going to the grocery store alone all the time. It is NOT cleaning the house by myself. It is NOT figuring out who is going to help me with car maintenance or lawncare or baby gate installation or a broken closet door or toilet repair or smoke detector battery replacement on 9-foot ceilings. The biggest struggle is my emotions. More specifically, my emotionl "tank", if you will. I feel so emotionally drained a lot of the time. Trying to keep my poker face with the kids when I'm feeling sad/overwhelemed/frustrated. Making sure the kids get w...

It's been one month since Chris has been gone. I've been thinking about this post for awhile, but I'm finding that it's really hard to put this last month into words. It is nonstop crazy, as you would assume with 2 kids still in diapers. It is pretty much nonstop selflessness. There are moments of calm and control, which are so, so great. I'm learning to appreciate those moments more and more! Most days I can stay positive. And some days the frustration rises and something as simple as trying to buckle the carseat but Liam wont let go of the straps makes me have to step back, breathe, and count to 10 to keep my cool. Sometimes it's when the 4th piece of food falls from chubby little fingers and splatters on the floor. Sometimes it's when Ava shrieks at the top of her lungs for the 15th time in a row. Sometimes it's when we are all packed up and ready to load up in the car and I realize someone needs a diaper change. Or a snack. Or a toy...

6 months...half birthday...Liam is growing up fast!! This has been the craziest  month in awhile. We moved halfway across the country...back home to Kansas! It was quite the adventure, but overall it went really smoothly, all things considered! We only lost 1 box and 1 floor lamp. Thankfully there wasn't anything irreplacable in that box, but frustrating nonetheless. Liam baby is growing leaps and bounds!! In these last few weeks he has become a much stronger sitter, even though he still can't do it independently yet. He likes you to sit on the floor so he can sit between your legs and play! He's getting around really well! He scoots backwards and rolls and can turn himself on his belly. He is always somewhere different everytime I see him in his crib over the monitor. He prefers to cram himself into the same corner of his crib to sleep! I'm loving all these baby milestones and new things he can do! He can entertain himself a little better and can stay awake...

OHHHHHH MYYYYYYYYY GOSHHHHHHHH In summary, those are my thoughts on the last 2 weeks. COMPLETE CHAOS. Ok so not really - we were actually really organized and kept routines to make the kids feel secure during this CRAZY moving experience!! My poor brain is just worn out from trying to keep up with it all! Our plans changed like a million times. One thing I've learned with the Army, more specifically PCSing, is that there will always be last-minute changes  and you just have to suck it up and figure out a way to proceed that will yield the lowest amount of stress. But stress is inevitable so you know it will still be hard! Where oh where to begin... The Georgia side of the move was really organized and we were prepared for the typical PCS experience. The last time we moved, I was 28 weeks pregnant and Ava was about 17 months old so that  was super challenging. I was excited to have full range of motion this time but worried about juggling 2 babies during it all! O...

I'm writing this up a little early because you know, moving. MOVING HALFWAY ACROSS THE COUNTRY! My brain needs to keep moving forward and tackling things on the to-do list, and this post was one I could type up in a flash and cross off the ever-growing list!! I don't know why 5 months seems so much older to me than 4 months. It's just another 30 days! I think it's because I know we are so close to some major milestones and I also know how fast the back end of the first year goes...before I know it, Liam will be a tiny toddler chasing Ava around! What a crazy thought!! Liam has changed leaps and bounds this month. He's got a really strong core now and wants to sit up when I try to recline him in my lap. He can roll to his belly and has been sleeping on his tummy! He likes to swing his arms around and is getting pretty grabby! He's become a big chatterbox and he just loves to giggle and smile! There is so much drool everywhere and he usua...

Liam is starting to show his little personality! He loves to sit and look at you and chat and smile and giggle! He giggles when you tickle his sides or kiss on his cheeks and neck! I've seen him smile and coo at his toys, and sometimes he just giggles for no reason! He is liking to chew on his fingers and he's starting to hold onto toys and bring them to his mouth. He spends a little time in the jumperoo and he likes his bumbo seat and always enjoys time in the swing. Ava was not a swing baby so this is a nice change! Liam is drooling  everywhere  and thankfully spitting up doesn't happen nearly as much anymore! The amount of laundry I'm doing has greatly decreased now that there are less blow outs and spit-up rivers! He likes baths and hates tummy time! He is still in 6 month clothes and size 2 diapers, but I'm sure 9 month clothes will be needed soon! He is already 15+ pounds! Strangers who ask how old he is are always shocked whe...

Chris and I have been together for 11 years now, and married for 7 years. There's been so  much change in all these years! Let's see...we've moved 5 times in 7 years, lived in 3 states, bought 2 cars, been through 4 surgeries, been through 1 long military-related separation and a few short ones, had 2 children, and now we are in the process of buying our first house! Along the way, we've had so many adventures, good and bad! We've done some traveling, which I've discovered is my favorite  thing to spend money on! You can't put a price tag on the memories and experiences you get from taking trips together! We lean very heavily on each other. That's something that the military brings to the forefront in a marriage - you have to have each others' backs.  There are lots of long hours and things that pop up and separations and commitments. They say when you marry a soldier that you are actually "married to the milit...