Losing My Mind, Mama-Style

Today was one of those "mom days" where everything seems to be under control and going well. It was one of those days where you have little victories with your kid, so you start to feel like an awesome mom. Like, "yeah, I've got this!"

Like Mary freakin' Poppins.

And then the next thing you know, all your success comes crashing down and you feel like the sticky gum on the underside of a shoe.

Motherhood is funny like that. Your day can literally turn on a dime.

It's sooooooo funny.

(that's sarcasm, btw.)

Here's my story. Read on, because I know you'll relate!!

This morning was like any other morning, the usual sleep-til-my-kids-wake-me-up-because-hubby-is-out-of-town with a little okay-okay-I'll-get-your-breakfast-going and then some alright-go-play-or-watch-a-show-or-whatever.

Pretty standard morning over here lately.

We had a music class to go to at the library, so I went upstairs to get myself ready. I needed a shower, but I was planning to workout at some point today, so I decided dry shampoo was the way to go. I put my hair back in a cute little braid thingy, put on some makeup, picked out some earrings, and put on an outfit that I wore for a few hours yesterday. Good enough!!

I got the kids dressed and downstairs, and we loaded up and left for the 25ish minute drive to the library. I was feeling pretty good that I got myself put together and loaded us into the car and no one was fighting during that time. When I can get ready in peace is always going to be a good day!

We were running late, so we hurried into the story time room, where the music was already underway. We sat down in the back, and I immediately joined in and encouraged my kids to participate.

My kids aren't the most interested in classes or story times. But I take them for the exposure and opportunities for learning and socializing. As a SAHM, I really enjoy taking my kids to experience new things. But it comes with a price when my kids don't love it. When Ava was 1, I took her to a weekly story time. It was just for kids 2 and under, and the room didn't have a door on it. My child was the one who would dart out of the room every chance she got, despite all the fun toys and songs and stories that every other child was sitting down and enjoying. I was constantly having to get up off the floor and chase her down. Sometimes she'd laugh, and sometimes she'd get hysterical. Oh - I also was in my second trimester with Liam, so that was fun. I was usually sweating by the time story time was done!! But I knew, that with consistency, she would learn.

And she did! She was starting to really enjoy it, and then we moved to another duty station. HA! soooooo funny!

(more sarcasm)

So I'm applying the same to these playgroup activities. Liam kinda hates them; I can't seem to peel him out of my lap. Ava only participates about 5% of the time. But at least she doesn't run out of the room in hysterics anymore!

So today, we were sitting and watching and listening, and slowly but surely, Liam was gaining some confidence. The music teacher had instruments and scarves in the middle of the room at a few different points during the class, and Liam had built up enough courage to walk up with the massive group of kids to pick something out! I was very impressed and gave him high-fives! He did this sheepish smile and then plopped right back into my lap. By the end of the class, I got him to sit on the floor next to me instead. "Baby steps," I thought to myself. I was feeling pretty proud, that something that is a struggle for my kids, was slowly becoming more comfortable to them, as we have come to this library for many visits now.

During this class, I also noticed a mom standing in the back, and she was rocking a double stroller back and forth. She was shushing a fussy baby inside; I could see tiny feet sticking out from an infant carrier. I also observed her trying to console her toddler when it was time to put the egg shakers back: "It's not ours to keep, honey," she said. And later, when she cried because she wanted the scarf someone else picked, "Sweetie, they're all the same color! They're all the same color, see?". 

I knew those feelings. Feelings of I'm this close to losing my cool but I think I can do this but I legit might cry in 2 seconds.

So when things escalated and she could no longer console her toddler, she did what I grew so accustomed to doing: she bolted. She was trying to maneuver her double stroller through the door and get the heck out of there without further "disrupting" the class. I hurried over to help her, and she immediately said "thank you" and kind of avoided my eyes. I told her, "You have nothing to be sorry for. You don't need to feel bad!" Her eyes met mine and she kind of let out this exasperated sigh and a quick smile. As she was turning around the stroller, I told her:

"You can do this. You can do this!!"

She was obviously distracted, and trying to keep ahold of her toddler (and quite honestly was probably just wanting to run to her car to hide), but as the door was closing, I heard her say "Thank you!!".

I kinda wanted to run after her. I feel like we understood each other so much in that moment. I really wanted to ask her for her phone number so we could playdate. Or maybe just to help her get her kids and stroller loaded in the car. Or sit with her while she fed her baby if s/he needed to eat.

But my hands were tied as I had my own 2 kids in tow. They were actually starting to enjoy the class, and I didn't want to ruin that, either. I really felt torn!! So if by some chance, you're reading this, and that was you at the Manhattan library, I hope your day got better and I would love to meet up some time!!

You're probably wondering by now what was so wrong with my morning.

OH, IT'S COMING.

The class ended and I told my kids how proud I was that they participated. We exited the story time room and started to play puzzles with the 50 million other babies, toddlers, and preschoolers that were there for the class. Things were going great - my kids were sharing with others and putting their toys back when they were done (totally shocked by that one! Like, can you put toys back at home?! Jeez).

And then, we came upon the giant reading area.

There is a large open area by these floor-to-ceiling windows full of pillows, bean bags, comfy chairs, and this foam steps looking structure.

They're meant for sitting.

Ava thinks they're meant for jumping.

We have had many discussions about these foam steps and how they are for sitting or walking down them.

But they are NOT FOR JUMPING.

We've even had the librarian come over and tell some kids (including Ava) that they are not for jumping. So we all know it is a rule of the library.

Every time we come here, I remind Ava of the rules.

So today, I see her at the top of the steps, and I follow her gaze to a bean bag on the floor at the bottom.

I instantly know what she's thinking.

(this girl started jumping at 5 months old in the jumperoo, and she hasn't stopped since!)

So I said to her, "You MAY NOT jump on the bean bag. It is for sitting and reading", and I point to some kids nearby sitting and reading on some other bean bags. I then told her I was going to go over by Liam, who was playing with some trucks on a rug.

3 seconds later, I turn around, and there went Ava, jumping right on top of the bean bag.

I walk over to her and she's already agitated because she knows what's coming.

"I asked you not to jump on the bean bag, and you did it anyway. Now we have to leave."

I try to take her by the hand and she writhes and collapses to the floor, crying.

"Yay," I think to myself.

So instead, I leave her and go get Liam, so I can put him on my hip (all 31 pounds of him) and get ready to MAMA BEAR UP.

At this point, Ava is drawing attention and has been approached by another mom. As I walk over, she says "oh, is she yours?" and I said with a sigh, "yeah, she's mine. She's just mad at me," The mom was nice and said, "Oh, I thought so!".

I felt like that mom with the stroller that I'd helped earlier. Defeated and embarrassed.

Thankfully, Ava walked with me when I took her hand. Normally I have to haul her under my arm and carry her out when she gets this way.

But it didn't matter - Ava was shrieking SO LOUD. It felt like the longest walk EVER to the exit. I felt the eyes, the people who had stopped what they were doing to look. The stares in the lobby. I couldn't believe how loud Ava was and what a scene she was making. I wanted to hide. As soon as we got outside, I thought about immediately setting her in time out on the sidewalk. But she was SO FREAKING LOUD I knew her screaming could be heard even through the brick walls. So we kept walking to the car. Amazingly, I was calm enough to not say another word to her. I put Liam in his carseat and reassured him that he was not in trouble, but that we had to leave because Ava couldn't make good choices. I buckled Ava and then sat in the driver's seat and cranked the AC.

And then we just sat there.

I was shaking from the adrenaline and the emotions of it all.

I turned around after a minute or so when Ava had quieted down a bit.

"I'm very upset with you. You made a sad choice, and now we have to go home. You upset all of those people with your screaming (IN A FRIGGIN LIBRARY, CHILD!!!!). What a bummer!"

And then I started driving home.

And then Liam poked himself in the eye with a flag he was playing with and he was crying and rubbing his eye "MINE EYE!! MINE EYE!!!" and I couldn't tell if it was swelling or what so I had to pull over on the interstate so I could get a better look in case I needed to drive straight to the ER or something.

[deep breath.]

I think his eye is fine.

And since we got home, it was just a bunch more crap that tested my patience, like incessant begging for food and whining about what was served for lunch and upstairs jumping on beds and getting into things they know they aren't supposed to.

But for now...

Silence.

It's nap time and both kids are asleeeeeeeeep.

So I write. And share.

As always, thank you for reading.

Here's to you, mamas. May you never feel alone!